Date: Monday, August 5 , 2024
Medicine: Huachuma
Dose: Full cup of my peaceful medicine + swallow
Experience:
Sergey wanted to move me to a stronger medicine but I wanted one last day of peace. Today would be my mother’s 99th birthday and I dreamed about her last night. I knew today would be mother’s day.
I had a difficult relationship with my mother. I don’t remember being very close with her and she always used guilt as a weapon.
Now that I’m over the guilt of my mothers death, I can think about her life and our life together. I actually remember good things about her; caring and kindness for people despite being stern. She was at least as depressed as I am. My dad once told me she was prescribed antidepressants but didn’t like how they made her feel. I never understood that until I hated how they made me feel.
My mom was really 2 people; the one who lived with my dad and was content, and the one who survived my dad’s passing and wished she hadn’t.
I realize my mom didn’t do such a bad job with me. If I actually like how I am, then I can’t blame the people who shaped me.
I can miss and maybe someday love the good parts of my mom, and simply understand and accept the parts I didn’t like.
I am at peace with my mom for the first time in memory.