Date: Wednesday, July 10 , 2024
Medicine: Huachuma
Dose: ⅞ cup of same medicine
Experience:
Note: This is one of the most powerful days I had. For background, my parents were good people but I didn’t always have a good relationship with them. 24 years before this I had to make decisions related to my dad’s passing and it scarred me pretty good. 8 years before this I had a similar situation with my mom. I did not have good memories of my parents and they generally were about their deaths and guilt over my part in them.
Nausea is gone and feeling better today after a day of rest. Sitting by the river I put my hand down and felt a small rock. For no reason related to the rock my dad came to mind. I began thinking about him and my relationship with him up to and including his death. This went on for a long while as I studied the rock. Eventually I put my hand down again and came up with another rock and thought about my mom. Same thing, I ran through our life together and her death. I eventually found a 3rd rock and briefly thought about my late sister but I put it back in the grass for another day.
I was walking back down the mountain, still thinking about my parents when it hit me so hard I had to stop to catch my breath. I had known for years that the decisions I made regarding my parent’s passing were the right thing to do and they were made with compassion and according to medical guidance. For reasons, I was the only one in the family capable of making the decisions at the time, and I had the strength to do it. But logic and reasoning and the assurances of others don’t always make your soul feel lighter. Mine was dark and stained from what I had had to do. I suddenly knew in my heart that those decisions had been my purpose for my parents. Easing their passing when no one else was able to was why they raised me strong enough to do it. My purpose was fulfilled and I didn’t have to carry the guilt in my soul. I suddenly know that with the completion of my purpose my parents were done needing me, and I could be done with their influence on my life. I practically danced down the mountain after that.
Note: 3 months later as I type this up I can find no trace of guilt in myself for what I needed to do.